The following new computer viruses have been detected in or around the country. Please be alert for them when you scan your computers.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS:
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

ELVIS VIRUS:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

NIKE VIRUS:
Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS:
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!

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